Today I turned 46 and my heart is more heavy than happy. I’m having to surrender control over everything and allow my most vulnerable share here.
In January 2022, I found a lump in my right breast while I was supporting a friend through her breast cancer journey (sadly, she did not survive). This was right after the rug had been pulled from under me causing my whole life to fall apart. My children went to live with their father and it became increasingly harder to see them. Due to the overwhelming mental and emotional stress and, I went into a deep depression and developed c-ptsd.
My nervous system was extremely dysregulated from so much change and heartache in such a short period of time. Not to mention decades of living in fight or flight mode from past traumas just finally took its toll on me and left me stuck in a freeze response that literally felt like quicksand. I had to step away from my holistic skincare biz and also the new sacred tea company I was preparing to launch along with working as a detox coach w/clients that began in 2016.
In April 2024, I finally went to confirm what I already knew; I was diagnosed with Stage 2 BC with a size 3 cm tumor. Immediately, the doctors were attempting to rush me into surgery and treatments but mentally and emotionally I was still stuck in freeze mode. And it was difficult dealing with all the medical insurance issues.
I really began working on my emotional state while also transitioning into a healing protocol for the cancer but I ended up experiencing two very painful injuries in the summer that created more obstacles in my healing journey. Being a self taught herbalist, detox coach, and living an organic healthy lifestyle for over a decade, ridding the body of toxic materials was definitely the easier part for me. However, the underlying thought patterns and emotional stress that allows illness to take root in the first place was going to be the real work for me, and it definitely has been, and continues to be. I've immersed myself in deep trauma-informed therapy and reprogramming the subconscious while incorporating somatic exercises but our deepest healing comes from compassionate connection in relationship with others and I pray this form of empathic care can lead the way in healing from all forms of chronic illness.
I’ve always felt more rooted in faith and I’m doing my best to navigate this process but my energy levels are decreasing by the day as it feels like my body is giving out on me, the cancer is spreading to my thyroid and the tumor has more than doubled in size. Anyone that knows me, knows I’m a healer but giving that energy to myself right now is the biggest challenge. What follows the freeze response in trauma is collapse and this is what I’m feeling in my body.
I believe in holistic healing over conventional treatment so even though I may be having surgery, I feel what I really need is a team of holistic practitioners to provide that full body healing while I can focus more on rest and recovery from everything. Hope4Cancer is a wonderful 3 week holistic treatment center that offers this care with ongoing support for 1 year. If I am able to raise enough funds for this treatment then I feel that would be best, otherwise, funds will be used to continue the holistic treatments for myself at home post mastectomy and possibly towards reconstructive surgery.
I’ve been very private about this and have felt quite isolated trying to preserve my energy and I’m not really good with receiving support but I believe this is also a form of healing to open and receive support in any manner it comes whether emotionally, spiritually, and/or financially. If your heart has led you here to offer some support then please know how eternally grateful I am for your generous heart.
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1) |
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